Today, 23 years ago, it was my parents’ and Ricardo’s funeral….
They died on 5/22/1992 which was a cold day.
And it was a Friday.
We in Brazil bury our deceased within 24 hs of their passing because we don’t do embalming. Which gives only 24 hs for family and friends to be contacted and travel if they are from out of town and want to attend the funeral.
I remember, like a bad dream that you can’t wake up from, of people coming from all over and learning later how they traveled over night in order to come for the funeral. Uncles, aunts, cousins, friends…
I remember standing alone in the middle of three coffins where they looked like sleeping, no blood, nothing (one of the “benefits” of being dead)…, just there, laying like sleeping. While I, on the other hand, was all bruised and beat up with black eye and cuts on my face that couldn’t be stitched, and with a pain in my soul that no amount of tears could console.
And I remember thinking: “Thank God they died on a Friday, because it gives people a chance to come on a Saturday funeral without missing school or days of work…”
Crazy, huh?
Pain does that to you. You think crazy thoughts, you might even do crazy things (which I didn’t…then…), and for what? Just so you can cope with the craziness of the reality you are in.
After all these years, I can still remember as if it is happening right now. And I can’t remember what I had for lunch 3 days ago… How “normal” is that the memory does this kind of thing? Super normal, a lot of people will say.
But it still sucks!
People say: “Time cures everything”.
But like the Brazilian poet Carmem Galvão (a friend’s aunt) once said: “Time doesn’t cure anything….time only takes pain from center stage”.
And as much as pain comes back to center stage, I always do my best to choose life and joy, because I knew there were lessons and treasures in all this pain and since I had already paid the price and they were already all dead, I was better off finding all of this so called “treasure” and not leaving one nugget of it behind.
It is a choice that sometimes I wasn’t very good at making.
Years later, I came across this poem from Rumi that says beautifully how I always felt and how I dealt with all that pain…most of the time
The Guest House
Every morning a new arrival.
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
And I am GRATEFUL!
Grateful that I survived the car crash and the aftermath of the painful memories.
Grateful that I had the support of friends and family that helped me through that first year after the accident and beyond. They truly saved my life.
Grateful that Chris (ex-boyfriend turned into a great friend, prior to me meeting, dating, marrying and losing Ricardo) decided to come back to my life and stand by my side and marry me when I was broken in million pieces, and while I went thru the ‘dark nights of my soul”. He is my soulmate and keeps saving my life and holding me when pain comes back on center stage and memory plays its game of “remember when….?”
Grateful for the children Chris and I have together and are now part of the center of my Universe. And their mere existence saves my life everyday that I can celebrate the joy of being their mom in this lifetime.
Yes, sorrow wipes my house clean of its furniture every time, and every time I’m ready for a new delight.
Eliana Salter, Saturday May 23rd 2015.
That was so touching and heartfelt. It tugged at my heart and made me think of the ones close to me ( my father first when I was six ) that passed on so early and yet live on in memory. Hugs and thank you for sharing part of your heart with us.
Wow!! You lost your father so young…. I’m so sorry.
Thank YOU for sharing your heart with me as well.
Indeed, life is too precious and yet sometimes we find ourselves stressing over issues that will pass and maybe be completely forgotten because it wasn’t important to begin with.
For these times, I do my best to increase my level of self-forgiveness and self-acceptance…self-love.
Big Brazilian hugs to you, my dear!
Oh Eliana, I am so sorry you had to go through all this pain, but it has made you an incredible diamond that shines every day and lights up all of our lives. I feel blessed indeed that Chris brought you into our lives, and you know how I feel about those incredible grand kids that are such treasures, not only to me, but to the world. With love and blessings! Enjoy this day!
And now you are IT, the only grandparent my kids have! I’m so glad that they have you as their grandma and that they love and respect you so much as well.
I know how this time is full of painful memories for you also, and I always admired you for your outlook on life.
I love you very much and am glad to have you.
Big hugs and lots of love.
Eliana, I went through a lot of senseless loss by the time I was 18. Not all at once. I am grateful to Chris for standing by you and all the love and support you received. You are truly a shining star! A beacon for those who go through such loss. Your mom, dad and Ricardo are helping from that side, I am certain.
Lydia, I agree. I truly believe in that.
Maybe my next blog is going to be about telling the story of how the 3 of them came to the hospital (while I was there waiting for someone to take me home) to say goodbye.
And maybe sometime, you tell me your story. 18 is so young…
Same age as my oldest son, Nickolas, and I look at him, and I still see the little boy.
Thank you for you being you. You always inspired me so much, now I know why. 😉
Big Hugs to you!!